To the few
men boys who helped me realize my self worth and recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. I call you boys because that is what you are, no man would ever treat a women the way you have. In a way I am thankful for you being in my life, because without you it would have taken me a much longer time to realize how strong and better off I am without someone like you in my life. I’ve now come to realize that you must love yourself before you can love anyone else and I god damn love myself much more than anyone could ever love me and I have you to thank for that.
Now before I start I do want to mention that there are always two sides to every story, my side, the side I am writing about and the side of the boys I am addressing…which I have taken into consideration, everyone has their own story and this is only my side and personal experience. Now lets wrap this up before I ramble on too long so buckle up and let’s get this party started. If you are in a similar situation, or have been in a similar situation, I hope this brings you some peace. If you are one of the boys I am thanking, cheer up buttercup, this is only the beginning.
Dear boy, the one who showed me how strong I am. Nearly four years of our lives we dedicated to each other, we shared the good and the bad, brainstormed together our future and thought that we would forever be each others ‘High school sweethearts’ just like in the movies (insert romcom here)…however this dream was slowly and painfully crushed.
Now don’t get me wrong through out the years, like every great relationship we shared a lot of great memories, memories that I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. We were young and in love and for the first couple of years you were more than any girl my age could have asked for, we were what the younger generation would call “couple goals” . We were inseparable, we became alike. So much alike I’m sure that your bad dad jokes rubbed off on me, and like you I still thought I was funny. But eventually it did come to a sad and heartbreaking end, an end that my brain was told about but my heart didn’t process. An end that left me holding onto something that sadly was no longer there.
2 years ago you showed me how strong I am, sadly by what we call in modern day
“cheating” “becoming ‘only friends’ with a girl and swearing to me that it was nothing but then somehow you ended up seeing her romantically while I thought we were still together but you recall telling me we had broken up.” I remember asking you so many times if you were seeing her and you said no. Yet after your dust had just settled (mine was still scattered because I hadn’t processed what was going on in the short amount of time it took you to move on) you were dating. So I have you to thank for showing me the strength I didn’t know I had, the strength that I used to get over you loving someone else so fast after loving me.
It all started when you made every excuse under the sun of why you couldn’t attend a major event in my life. You knew it was a big deal as well because you were going to meet my biological Dad – one of the other ‘men’ who have let me down but thankfully I realized a long time ago that I was better off without that one. I basically begged you to come, but still to no avail you didn’t. You told me you had work and couldn’t find cover and so I accepted this. I accepted the love I thought I deserved. It was then broken to me that you had been spending your time at our friends party with another girl. THE other girl.
Many thoughts went through my head – what could I have done better? Was I not pretty, not skinny, not good enough for you? What does she have that I don’t? I felt worthless, hopeless and not good enough for you. This was when my (what I thought at the time) world had shattered and come down in a million pieces. A few days before Valentines day… and my 18th birthday. However, over the months (A LOT of months) it took me to get over loving you, I found a new love – a love for myself which was a greater love than you could have ever showed me. Now my role in our relationship was not perfect, far from it and there are many things that I could have changed but for that I am sincerely sorry, I am sorry for the things I said but this does not outweigh what you did to me so don’t flatter yourself. The worst thing was that you told me you were cheated on and so you would never do it to me…… what a bloody laugh.
I do not regret loving you, because you made me part of the women I am today, the strong, independent, confident women I am because of the pain you caused me, I came out on top. Now that you’re still with THE girl, I guess you think that all the pain you inflicted was worth it. But believe me, I came out on top because I escaped the toxic love that you gave. I was the one that got away. I want you to know that I don’t hate you for what you did to me, I don’t even hate you a little bit because in order to hate someone you have to think about them and I can honestly say apart from now, I never think about you so it’s impossible to hate you. Now I wish I could say that you were the one who taught me to read the signs of a liar and a cheater, but sadly that award goes to the boy after you.
Dear boy, the one who claimed to not hurt me like the first one did. I was constantly told that you were no good, or what the millennials like to call a (mind my french) “fuckboy”, however I took it upon myself to see the good in you for you convinced me that they were all jokers. We shared many the good time but it was the mistake of my own that I decided to ignore the signs that I saw because you were my friend before you were anything else so I did not expect you to lie. However you were the plan canceller, the compulsive liar, the only hang out when your drinking type of guy, the denier, the convincer, the one I luckily got away from. Now you held your end of the bargain because you didn’t hurt me like the first however you came pretty damn close because you did the exact same thing.. the signs were the same but I didn’t want to believe that it was possible, but you proved me wrong and taught me to trust my gut and believe the signs.
For anyone else reading this, if you too have seen the signs don’t try and convince yourself that they are worth your time because I can damn well tell you right now that they’re not. So thank you for reinforcing the signs I already knew were there, for proving to me that I was not absolutely bonkers for thinking something was happening behind my back. I do wish you the best in life.
Dear boy, the one who never cared for me the way I cared for you. The one who will never read this because I have come to realise over the years that you do not give one damn about me. To me you were my best friend, but to you I was nothing but your personal taxi, your cure to a few bored nights and your wait till she texts me first girl. Now that we no longer talk because I’ve decided not to be your doormat things are looking up, you helped me to realise that some people just do not change and are just not worth my time. So thank you, thank you for never loving me, never having a care cup for me and never being who I thought you could be. So I say goodbye, not see ya later. A lost boy once said “never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting” but in this instance this is goodbye.
To my ex, my friend and my former best friend, thank you. Without the lessons I learnt from having you in my life (for better and for worst) I never would have realised the strength within me, the love I have for myself and my new profound self worth. I raise my glass to the past and look forward to the future, for I wish that it brings not just me, but all of you too, happiness.
As simple minds said, don’t you forget about me (but in the end I really couldn’t give a damn if you do.)
Sincerely, with much more love than you ever gave me,
Ruby is 20 years young but an old soul at heart, vegan and currently on the adventure of studying biological sciences to work with wildlife – alongside conservation and ecology to help re-establish populations in wildlife and restore part of the planet that has been destroyed due to human consumption and other matters.
She has found a new passion of writing relatable blogs that everyday people can understand and relate to themselves.
“I want my content to be able to help people to grow and make them find comfort through the fact that other people are most likely going through a similar thing. Everything I write about is true to the heart and from experience which makes it personal and hopefully easier to relate to. I wish you all well and hope that some of my blogs may bring you comfort and closure!”